Highway to Heaven

three or four nights, two or three nights badly slept. I think it was the phone call, during which I felt my heart sink deeper and wrap around itself. or maybe it's the coldness of the nights creeping in from thin walls.

trance states are chemical induced states like drugged up states. I cannot believe I've learned to dissociate. especially for I never really wanted to learn, or at least I never consciously tried. but, I guess due to my subconsciousness knowing about such a state to be experienced it also wanted to experience it. damn, I might be fucked.

what's the big deal with dissociation you ask. well. it's uncontrollable. there might become a day when I just fall down from all I know, that being what I believe to exist there where I am in a given time and space. I have never done any dissociative drug btw. never dmt or dxm or ketamine. never. I have not wanted to. I've been afraid a little to be honest.

and now it's coming onto me with very little control. It's coming onto me in a way that under that state, in that state I really don't even want out. my body experiences nothing but my mind experiences too much. it's like ten times more cool than no gravity. or how would I know.

this well documented neuro-physiological development heals psychological scars, apparently dissociating the connections between perceptual and painful emotional components of traumatic memories (thereby eliminating the associated fear and anxiety). this results in a healthy and deeply harmonious way of functioning, an optimization of the performance of the brain.

if it is trauma that lies behind my newly born dissociative capabilities then I truly am fucked. for then I know it's possible, and thus we are all fucked, to a degree. I know shit will go down in the future too, and apparently my pussy ass brain thinks the best way to handle such events is to dissociate. I hate this escapist bullshit.

so what to do. oh yeah took me two seconds to know. there's at least two different approaches to meditation as far as I know. the one which seems more difficult and thus the people competitive by nature usually go for it, is meditation as in emptying your head. I've done that in the past. always had great difficulties with it, but at times when walking on a street I can turn the autopilot on and not think about anything, for few minutes that is. longer time, as an idea, seems a little distressing due to it possibly leading to the above mentioned dissociation, though I never remember actually experiencing that, but many people tell stories about loosing parts of a drive from place a to b in a second. I've been very close to people with that kinda experiences.

the other type of meditation leads to something called mindfulness, which means self-regulation of attention, focusing on immediate experience, and a particular orientation toward one's own experiences, characterized by curiosity, openness and acceptance. that sounds conscious, right? and being conscious on my opinion is a good thing. one must learn to face hard times, including boring times.

does dissociation naturally make space for the development of another ego? how do sharks roll? how would I roll if I were a shark? I am right brained, one can see it from my eyes among other things. my right eye is smaller, especially in the mornings.

if I were a shark, my right hemisphere would probably want less sleep than my left hemisphere. it would dominate my being. if something bad would happen, then it might want to not to live that much anymore. thus maybe sleep more, giving the leftie some more time to hunt and swim and such. for a shark can never stop.

I remember a long time ago when it was the first day of summer, the most beautiful day of that summer, and we were drinking champagne by the ocean. he told me about a guy in southern italy who would swim with the sharks. how he had at first accidentally wandered to a group of tens of sharks while snorkeling alone. the sharks surrounded him in an oppressive manner. the guy had no hope other than what he could have, and that was faith in himself and his character. by controlling his fear, he managed to make the leader of the group of sharks see him as not food. as someone who is cool. after that, he swam with the same group many times, and had some science to prove that the sharks knew where he was and when he was to be in where in the ocean, so they could hook up.

I've once been to a city in an island in northern norway, a city that's a great distance from any other city, andenes, which is known from whale killing and a nato base. there's a sense of life in every place on this earth - in my memories of distant lands I have a feeling memory among other memories like spatial maps and events that form stories. andenes felt like death. there was no people on the streets, it was a rainy day. a freezing wind hit the harbor from somewhere not seen in the horizon of norwegian sea. the nato base was a small compound hundreds of meters from the city, but I could see it behind the fence which separated me from the asphalt covering that few hundred meters. in a place with very little flora it looked like the world had ended.

I know nothing about the brains of whales. I don't know if there's such knowledge, and am too preoccupied to google.