12 February 2011

Riding the Tiger

it is two am and I am sitting on the outer window seat of a building built to be two stories high some two hundred years ago. down the street, some 30 meters or so, there's a bar open for men in the midst of a joyful reunion. otherwise there's not a soul on the damp streets, no one but me to bathe in the mist. 

“I can't just sit here and play tower bloxx with my phone all night.”
“why not?”

stunned, I turn and a bit unexpectedly land on my feet to face william. 

“are you having fun?”
“yeah the boys are well and the beer is fine. no ladies at sight though. why don't you come in and speak us some finnish or something?”
“you know me. I'd rather be alone right now, this mood I'm in is almost everything but social.”
“you wanna go into the car?”
“why not.”

so I lay on my back on the backseat and listen to the quietness. the moist in the air around goes through everything, through the hood of the car and through my skin and fat and muscles to even make my bones feel cold. but, luckily, william is here, too.

“today has been a good day. I realized something about love and it became a key to my relationship with kant.”
“post mortem relationships, on my opinion, are less interesting than the ones which are in your face.”
“amo, please, you know I only imagine myself having these relationships for I communicate with words these people have left behind. but I only do this for you, because now my dear, I can be in peace with my heart for I know that to love you is a morally good deed, indeed.”
“are you high?”
“a bit, but please let me continue. the word idealist is a funny thing to associate to kant, because he has no idea about what love is. and the ones who have materialized whatever ideals they might have had in our history have done that because of the action of love, namely, passion. and a love well understood easily manifests as a passion that's well driven, like this car or you.”
“yeah but that doesn't mean they do any good now does it.”
“you're being all altruist there you know, knowing nothing about kant but still hailing him. the kantian tradition sees all that which make life feel like life, like passion, anger, fear, love, pity and even sympathy, as morally problematic. and you know why?”
“blow my mind baby.”
“because they are not will-governed. so everything in life that is not under your control is immoral. so take control of every fucking thing and be happy. that's how it is to have an asperger state of mind.”
“but you can't take control of everything.”
“ah you have a right state of mind, the state of mind of a tiger I'm going to ride.”

and so it became clear to me, that the so called romantic love, the one with all the irrational feelings and moods and such, was the one that as a collection of its parts became the embodiment of love, the full experience of it. love is rational, of course it is, but to really know how and why love is one has to experience it with a quiet but strong will. life provides love in a tangible form when it is directed, with passion, to another human being. and if one wishes to max that tangibility, I recommend sex.

what comes out of experiencing love in its most tangible form? children? why don't I let you decide.

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